A Fresh Start

Alright guys, I dropped into a black hole of depression and a bit of self-destruction but now, several years later, here is what’s new with me.

I’m ready to love but I’ve realized that I’ve been expecting my new love to feel like my past love. I keep looking for that past connection in someone new. I am constantly saying no when I don’t feel like I felt with him. I expect to have the same thing with a different person, and that is impossible.
Starting a new relationship after having
your heart broken is hard. It’s hard to trust someone new. It’s hard to believe someone new. It’s hard to be someone new, and yet you will eventually. You have to let go of that past relationship if you truly want to find the one that’s right for you. You don’t have to forget the experiences you had with that person but you have to stop looking for them in everyone else. That experience was special, and you learned whatever it was that you were supposed to learn (or possibly you taught and they learned) and now you’re on to the next experience with someone new.
The new relationship can’t even begin if you’re projecting your old experiences, good or bad, onto this new person. You have to be ready to tear down your own walls. Lower your own guards. You have to set the soldiers at the gates of your heart at ease. That isn’t the job of a new person in your life. You can’t appreciate your new person if you’re wishing or expecting them to be like your previous partner. And continuously dating the same type of person over and over will get you nowhere. Yes, we have “types”. My type tends to be fuckboys and douchebags because I’ve become very good at navigating those types of relationships and I’m never surprised, but still hurt every time, by the predicted outcome of those “relationships”. Try something new; try someone new. Give someone unexpected a chance. At this point, what have you got to lose by jumping into uncharted waters?
I realized that I’ve done this countless times. I didn’t give someone a real chance because it didn’t feel right. And by right I mean it didn’t feel like that last relationship I had that I was so happy, for a while, in. I kept looking for the same experience with a different person. I wasn’t open to what that specific relationship could’ve been, I was too busy looking for a repeat, a replica, an exact carbon copy of what I once had. Who wants a repeat relationship? Honestly, that’s the opposite of what I want because he’s gone. I want someone who will stay. So why am I constantly distancing myself from someone who might stay?

Photo By Amanda Lewis

I’m afraid of another experience. I’m afraid of the next person simply being another learning experience and then they’re gone again and I’m hurt again and that’s that. But honestly, if that is that, then I guess I am still not who I need to be for my partner. I firmly believe that every person you’re with before you “settle down” teaches you something that prepares you for being with your person, partner, soulmate, whatever you want to call them. I’ve learned at least one good lesson from every douche I’ve dated. Haha, I’m hoping I taught them to stop being a douche! I didn’t date in high school, I was raised very conservatively. In college I was too busy finding myself, mostly in beer pong cups, let’s be honest, to be ready for a true relationship. The one I found myself in ended up teaching me damn near everything. It was a toxic, on-again-off-again, I-love-you-but-I-can’t-be-with-you type of roller coaster that just ruined my ability to trust anyone, including myself and my own judgement. As a result I’ve been dating douche-bags since because hey, let’s relearn the same thing over and over to make sure I’ve got It! But really, I mean, I picked him. And I used to think I just picked the wrong person, but hindsight is 20/20 and I learned a lot about my own needs for a future relationship. I learned how to stick up for myself emotionally. I learned how to appreciate red flags instead of make excuses for them. I learned that the way I need loved isn’t the same way my partner needs loved and how to grow and provide that type of love. And now I’m learning that looking for him in everyone else is impairing my ability to move forward and an actual real, true, honest, caring relationship. I have no idea what a happy, supportive, honest relationship with a partner is like. I’ve never been in one because I purposefully choose people that feel like my ex.
I’ve just been repeating that cycle and becoming more and more frustrated when things end, the same as the last time. I’m breaking my own damn heart because I’m trying to thrust all of my readiness for something real on men that are nowhere near ready for that. And when I do find a man that I like and is completely open and ready for what I say I’m asking for, I tend to panic and bolt. Because I’m in uncharted waters and it doesn’t feel the same as my ex. He is not my ex. He is completely, drastically different. And I’m petrified of him because I’m navigating and can’t see the stars. I have no idea what I’m about to learn, or teach, or both, in this new relationship. I tend not to communicate out of fear, which gets us nowhere. I’m already learning to push myself. I’m pushing myself to speak up and be honest about my expectations and desires, something I’ve never done before. I’m still learning, but I’m ready.